I have taken a twist in my path. Who knew I would be drawn to Lakota Shamanism in all my searches for truth. But, here I am and have been for several months. It is the first thing to resonate with me as an organized philosophy since I was born. Prior to accepting a teacher, I took from here and there and kind-of-sort-of made up my own thoughts and beliefs, which evolved with new information. 

What does it mean (well, the whole thing really) when there is absolutely nothing on the entire top half of your chart? All my goodies are on the bottom. 

I had a dream last night (one of what felt like a million). It was a dream that you know was actually a memory. Of a place, that I had been, either in my astral self or another lifetime. And the only one I remember from last night.

In my dream, I keep thinking "This is Tibet", but, knowing that in fact it was not. It was like having a memory as a child but not remembering if the actual instance had happened at grandmas old house, or the new one on one of those short summer vacations. Where you knew it was grandmas house, so for the sake of the story, it'll be on 50th street instead of Pine Street.
 
I am soaring over this beautiful huge "park" that has slight rolling grassy hills that are perfectly kept and I soar over this monument/statue that is of a monk that must have been pretty important or Buddha. Something...
 
So, it is a statue that is on the edge of a pond and there is white cement surrounding the interior border of the pond. And it is facing the other "shore". On the other shore, there is a white cement path over the water to walk on to get to the statue.

I remember wanting to soar over it again and again, but I had no control over where I was going.

It was as if I was on a tour, and that was important to see, but it was time to move on.
 
So, I just googled "Monk Statue Pond". Guess what. There is a statue called "The Monk of the White Pond". In India. And a few more links to places near the monk that match the "worded" description of my dream. Not really the actual visuals I saw.

http://www.shunya.net/Pictures/South%20India/South2003/BHS/Sravanabelagola3.jpg
http://www.sacredsites.com/shop/images/asia/india/golden-temple-750.jpg
http://www.onhiatusphotos.com/PhotosD1/BDSC-011-26.jpg
http://lepidothrix.blogspot.com/2006/09/belur-halebid-and-sravanabelagola.html

And, that is how my dreams work. They either give me exact imagery (like my Budapest dream, where I lived on the banks of the Danube and could see both bridges from my apartment, never having even seen a picture of Budapest in my life before that)... or giving me key words.... so that I might take those and search further.

I did think it was interesting timing. I am volunteering for the Seeds of Compassion event happening here in Seattle which is hosted by the Dalai Lama. So, when I was hovering over the statue in my dream, I kept thinking "Tibet", but no... India. Which, is where the Lama is residing.

So, to have a dream about the Lama would not have been so weird, considering my current situation. But to have a dream where I insist IN the dream that it MUST BE LINKED to the Lama, and find out that it isn't, but close, is weirder. Even more strange that it is, once again, something I have never seen or heard of.

Whew. I need to go on a little trip, me thinks. :) Or... perhaps, I am on one.

Apparently, my status has caused concern to my friends. :) I actually never thought that this status could cause a kind of morbid thought. When I came back from my hiatus, there were many messages indicating that maybe it was a cry for help... I wasn't exactly sure why.

I quickly realized as I was browsing my blog, the story was never actually written here, and I am not sure was ever written, anywhere. I know that after "this" happened to me, I had no words. It was like a dream, where you can't quite articulate it. So I decided not to. And I am quite sure the person who experienced this with me has not yet written about it, either.

In fact, the more I think about it, and preface this blog (with the intention of telling you the story), I am becoming aware of the intensely personal message I received while laying on a dirt road, with my palms up.

Maybe there is a reason I can't quite get it out. There is a story in there... I mean, doesn't that title just scream "BOOK!" to you? It never did to me, till now.

What I will say is this. I am fine. I am more than fine. The views from the road at this angle were stars. Angels, milky way and tears. Something was washed out of me that night, in the Joshua Tree desert, on the dusty ground, and with a very special friend, going through his own awakening just a few feet from me.

The spontaneity of the moment was concealed in the literal pausing of time. At that moment, time didn't exist, and I am quite sure it is one of the only times I did.

The story takes place in July of 2007. I still go there, in my mind and in my heart. I am going to leave my status message as it is, because it reminds me of that night. It reminds me of eternity.

Love!

Here are some fun things to check out.

http://www.kickstartcart.com/app/?AF=744274

http://www.stressfreeschools.org

http://www.lynchweekend.org

http://www.seedsofcompassion.com

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello!!!!!!!!!

Whew!

I am here. Still here. Wow - looks so different. Looks nice! New name? New colors? Lot's of advertising. Um. Ahem. Heh.

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to get that out. So, I have had some life changing moments as of late. Really great ones! The universe does not fuck around with me, that is for sure. When I ask, open to receive, I GET!

Since September, I have met the man of my dreams, fallen in love and moved in with Robert. Gave my house and mortgage up to my ex, and lost my job!!!!!!!

Even though only one and half of those sound good, they all are. The stress of owning a home (let alone owning with my ex) was enough to literally make me break out in hives for approximately 4 months. All over my body, I looked like I had chicken pox. I tried everything, from western medical doctors (who sold me a bunch of steroids that I didn't use) to a naturopath who helped a lot, but made me go thru a month long elimination diet to see if it was an allergy.

No allergy. Just emotion, bottled up. Once I realized that what was happening to me was not caused by anything I was ingesting, I decided to fix it all by myself. Much like I got thru my agoraphobia and horrid anxiety without the help of doctors, I got through this.

I started making changes in my life.

1. Stop holding onto guilt that I was allowing myself to wallow in in regards to my ex issues. Making myself feel bad about what was happening did not help in overcoming it. Adding my own guilt to the guilt that was being thrown at me, whew. Not good.
2. Forgive myself for making mistakes that lead to where I was. Is there such a thing as mistakes? NOPE! Ok...
3. Forgive myself for thinking I am less than perfect.
4. Forgive my ex, for everything. There was no blanket statement in my forgiveness prayer, but you don't need to hear them all.
5. Love myself. And I did. And I started telling my skin how much I loved it.
6. Receive love from others.

That last one was the hardest. For the longest time I had the idea that I was receiving love. Nope. I wasn't. I was giving love as a form of receiving it. Think about that for a second. It doesn't work. So I took a step back from my giving, and let people give to me.

In this, Robert took charge. And I let him. Now I am completely healed.

This leads me to the loss of my job. But, I kinda want to save that story for later.

:) LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am at some sort of campus/school atmosphere. An assignment is to (don't know why) catch a crow and inject it several times with a poison that my spiritual teacher has already made up for me. The poison is in this giant wood splinters. I am able to inject all of them into a crow (I do not remember actually doing this, or catching the crow). The final lethal dose is in my hand and I can not bring myself to do it. I am supposed to jam it into its heart, breaking it's sternum and basically creating a mess. He have given me the instructions, hand etched/carved on a wooden tablet with a hinged cover. Although they literally look like this...

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There is some sort of message at the top that explains that this is something handed down to him from his grandfather. I start to cry, For the suffering of the animal, but mostly that I will HAVE to take a life. I no longer have the original crow, but I notice that there is a nest near the door of the school, and although there is a skunk in it now, I know crows live there and I will have to catch another to kill it.

As I am standing at the door I turn around an look up to see a large bird flying at me. I put my finger up to see if it will land on it, but realize it is way too big to hold, so it perches itself on something right by me. It looks like an eagle. It allows me to pet it. It even pushes it's head into my rubs, like a dog. It has very fluffy feathers (exactly like big bird, but not yellow). It beak is very detailed and it starts to gnaw on my sleeve cuff. I allow it to do this for some time before I realize that he is wearing a hole in it. I pry open his mouth to release it from my sleeve. This as well as a another student walking up the path makes the bird jump off and run away (like a dog). The girl called it a "helicopter alligator". And I let her, even though I had never heard of that species, and knew it was an eagle.

I go inside the school and see other students talking about the experience. I have no friends there, and did the "ritual" on my own, but quickly realize that they had all done the ritual together, inside, in a cafeteria setting. I heard a girl (while washing her hands and scrunching her face) say "I am so glad I set that all up for us." I asked if she had purchased dead crow for the ritual, and she said yes. I became FURIOUS and said to to everyone that "Killing it is the biggest part of it!!!!!!" and walked out. I was happy to make them feel bad, as though they had failed and just done all of that for nothing.

Good God who knows! Who even knows if I am back. :)

Let's see. So, it looks as though my last blog was March 11th. Wow. Um. Yeah. So.

Since then I started volunteering at a wildlife rehabilitation center which has been AMAZING!!!! I have helped save the lives of seals, bald eagles, raccoons, opossums, squirrels, bear, deer, coyotes, barn owls, flickers, and the list goes on. I am so blessed to be able to do this and I understand how it is such a part of my true nature and my purpose in life. I have learned more than I ever thought I would in just a couple of short months. So rewarding.

I was also reminded that when I was about 6-7 I used to speak in another lanuage, at my "walls" in my bedroom. So I started investigating that a little. My mom said that it was definitely a lanuage and not gibberish, but not a language that she has ever heard before or since. So - well - the farthest I got in figuring this out (since I don't recall it at all) is a message from "someone" (a guide?) that the being I was speaking with was Albatron. Who is no longer availabe to me. Sigh.

I am sure there is so much more crazy nonsense for me to write about but that is all I have now. If anyone has heard of Albatron - let me know. I googled him but it seems to be a computer program thingy and I doubt that is what I was talking to in my room. Otherwise I would have just been saying "1010010111010011001010100011".

:)

I understand I will and have changed many times in my life - but I did this on-line astrological chart thingy.. yeah.. no. I am sure I deny all bad things and agree to all the good things... :)

Rising Sign is in 00 Degrees Cancer
Very sensitive by nature, you prefer to be in your own familiar surroundings. I don't really care one way or another. Actually - I really like change and I am great at adapting.

Cautious and conservative, you make changes in your life only very slowly, if at all. You do not open up easily to strangers. Friendships are made for life, however -- once given, your trust is forever. Changes in my life very slowly.. that is up for interpretation I suppose. The hard work, yes. But I will quit a job or move to a new state in a second if the need/thought/desire arises. I, of course, am cautious about it and not incredibly spontaneous. Friends! I make new friends daily! I open up FULLY to anyone who asks.

Your mother, your home as a child and your early family life in general are very important to you. I won't deny that my mom is important. I also won't deny that what happened to me in my childhood isn't important. However, I have blocked so much out that I wouldn't say it is important to me on a daily bases, but only in that it molded me into who I am.

You are also very sentimental. I am going to have to look that word up. With a memory like mine I can't imagine that I can be called sentimental. I also don't hold onto things with memories for memory sake.

When you feel self- confident, you are gentle, giving and protective of the needs of others. But when you feel insecure or threatened, you become overly sensitive to criticism, shy, withdrawn and moody. You have a strong need for security -- in the sense that you are being loved, nourished and protected. Ok - THAT is very true.

Sun is in 21 Degrees Cancer.
Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Mmmm - everything but the selfish part. Actually - I would really consider it a recharge of batteries. I am usually so unselfish I give too much. It is a GOOD selfish that I retreat into. And yes, I am a good picker upper of vibes.

Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. See - not true.


No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure you would enjoy being part of a large family. The first sentence is true - the second is totally not. I am not a fan of cooking or feeding others. I barely feed myself!

Moon is in 03 Degrees Scorpio.
Your feelings are very intense, never superficial. You tend to be either very angry or very sad or completely and totally happy. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. 100% undeniably true.

Emotionally, you tend to prefer to live at the cutting edge of life, pushing your reactions to the ultimate extremes, even if the results are dangerous or upsetting. You are easily jealous and very suspicious -- you require a great deal of emotional reassurance. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others. Not true. Although I am emotional - drama is NOT in my vocabulary.

Mercury is in 17 Degrees Leo.
You are usually quite convinced that your own ideas are correct and you enjoy persuading others that they are. At times, you are very stubborn and proud of your beliefs and principles, and you get very defensive when they are challenged. This was true of me a few years ago. It has changed drastically in the past few years though.

You appreciate truth and honesty -- you practice it yourself and expect it in others. You have good talent for organizing, directing and planning. You delight in being asked for your advice and counsel. BINGO!

Venus is in 02 Degrees Virgo.
You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided -- learn to love yourself as well as you do others. This chart is incredible! Yes, this is true.

Your standards of perfection are very high -- you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate. Wait... really? No I don't think so. None of it.

Mars is in 17 Degrees Virgo.
Very careful and systematic, you pay great attention to details. You are always seeking perfection and sometimes get bogged down searching for the ultimate when adequacy would have been sufficient. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. You have a strong and enduring sense of personal responsibility, and you demand that others be as responsible and upright as you are. Very critical of yourself and others, sometimes you carry this too far and become overly intolerant of others and their right to choose their own lifestyles. Again, NO!

Jupiter is in 18 Degrees Cancer.
You must be emotionally secure in order to grow and develop. You are happiest when your family and community support and nourish you and boost your morale. Whether your childhood experiences of love and emotional dependability were positive or negative will set the tone for your emotional growth and stability as an adult. When you feel at ease with yourself, you are able to offer assistance to those who need a helping hand. Well, isn't that true of anyone?

Saturn is in 28 Degrees Leo.
Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself, and you expect others with whom you associate to be that way, too. Well, that is a nice plus when others are that way.

It is important that you had a strong father figure or role model early in life to mold your life course and direction. When you feel that those around you are unworthy or behaving badly, you withdraw, preferring solitude rather than associating with those who might besmirch your reputation. I do prefer solitude as opposed to drama - however, I am not sure what my reputation has to do with anyone else's actions.

Uranus is in 12 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your peer group, demand to confront life at its deepest and most meaningful levels. Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems. OH YEAH! This part is totally true. I don't really avoid those types of relationships, they just bore me and have little to offer me anymore. And yes, healing is very important to  me.

Neptune is in 16 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village." OH! Well, yes! YES!

Pluto is in 14 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly. Whatever that means.

N. Node is in 29 Degrees Virgo.
You're usually quite at ease in leaving leadership roles in the hands of others. You would rather tend to the thousand and one details that need to be accomplished to keep any group going. Although you're very fussy and high-minded when it comes to choosing your associates, once your loyalty is given you can be trusted with many of the practical aspects of any project that is being undertaken. Usually quite unselfish, you will toil long hours in the service of any worthy cause that demands your attention. But be careful that your perfectionist tendencies don't get in the way of making real progress. (In other words, don't waste your time dusting clean shelves!) This is half true. Ok - no it is totally true. Right now. However, I have no problem taking the leadership role when it is MY turn. :)

So the whle point of that last blog - the reason I came on here to write.. I am losing my mind.

Get this... some of you know my Mt. Shasta story, to which I later learned that it is a chakra of the earth... and I guess much more because I was reading about it today...

I got "stuck" there for a bit on my way from San Diego to Seattle, and I just wanted to stay. I loved it so much. So today, I decided to take a road trip up there at the end of May... so I started reading about it. I found out that there are Lemurians living there. Well, what do you know, one of my past lives was in Lemuria. Sigh. It is awesome.